It’s time for the grand finale of Principally Uncertain’s Misery Fandex!

No San Diego Padres here. No teams that try to claim suffering from having gone a whopping 7 years without a title (looking at you, Bronx). This last section of the Fandex is for teams that don’t just lose, they generally do it with style. Repeatedly, for decades. The Cubs long had a (deserved and well-earned) spot near the top of the Fandex, as did the Cleveland Cavaliers. With those two out of the picture, we seek to find out who’s the new King of Misery.

City ratings

Looking at the overall ratings, some surprises emerge. With my weighing of playoff appearances, the Atlanta Hawks become the fans who have suffered the most, largely as a result of so many playoff appearances without an NBA title to show for their troubles. However, given that they have lived in three cities and have only been in Atlanta since 1968, one must add a pretty big asterisk to their rating. On the other hand, when we add the Atlanta Falcons at #20 and realize that the Braves have only won one World Series over this period (in 1995), Atlanta does come out on top overall, though that asterisk still matters a lot. The city that comes in second, but really first if we subtract the years the Hawks were elsewhere, is Cleveland, with the Indians in 5th and the Browns in 12th. Third in my list among cities is hapless Buffalo, with the Sabres and Bills at 9th and 11th, respectively. Who can forget those four straight Super Bowl losses for the latter or the early ends to the former’s postseason endeavors.

Team by team

As a reminder, here’s the formula:

Misery Points = Years w/o title + (champ. losses x 5) + (semis losses x 3) + (playoff losses x 2) + just-miss + (noteworthy losses x 3) + weather factor

Misery Fandex: complete

* Did not exist between 1996 and 1999 (when Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore as the Ravens), so those years are deducted from the total.
⁺ Last title won in different city.
^A AFL and NFL championships credited in the pre-Super Bowl Era. 1968-70 NFL and AFL championship games are considered semifinals.

The ratings for individual teams show the Hawks as #1, as previously mentioned, the aptly-monikered St. Louis Blues at #2, the Minnesota Vikings in third, the Sacramento Kings in fourth and the Cleveland Indians in fifth. Overall, my own personal list combining this data with less empirical assessments (also known as “my gut”) would lead me to put the St. Louis Blues on top, the Vikings second, the Indians third, the Kings fourth and the Phoenix Suns fifth, though the Philadelphia Eagles certainly make a case for inclusion in the top five. 

Let’s look at the list in more detail, starting with…

#11 Buffalo Bills & #8 (tied) Buffalo Sabres

Woe to be a Buffalo sports fans. Not only is it one of the coldest places to play sports in the country, but their fans have suffered for years. The Bills are the worst of the bunch, having gone 50 long years without a title. They won consecutive championships in the old AFL in 64 and 65, but famously lost four straight Super Bowls with Jim Kelly at the helm from 1990 to 1993. That streak started with the loss to the Giants in 1991, when kicker Scott Norwood missing wide right from 47 yards to lose a game that seemed theirs. They have not even been back to the playoffs since 1999, when the Music City miracle cost them a Wild Card matchup against the Titans. They had just taken a 16-15 lead on a field goal with a mere 16 seconds on the clock when they decided to send the ensuing kickoff short. Titans tight end Frank Wycheck threw a lateral pass across the field to Kevin Dyson, who ran 75 yards to score the winning TD. Maybe it’s better for Bills fans to be on the outside looking in on the playoffs, but ex-coach Rex Ryan might disagree.

The Sabres can’t even look back to the good old days, as they have failed to win a Stanley Cup in their 45-year history. They have gotten to the Stanley Cup Final twice, but lost to the Flyers 4-2 in 1975 and the Stars 4-2 in 1999, losing the latter on the famous “no goal” by Brett Hull with his skate in the crease in triple OT in Game 6. Even in the playoff-forgiving NHL, they have failed to make the playoffs in five straight years and seven of the past nine. Overall, they do have a winning record, with 1,614 wins, 1,321 losses, 409 ties and 101 overtime losses, but that is little solace for 29 total playoff appearances of relative futility.

The two sides together make Buffalo the third worst suffering city on my list, without anyone to soften the blow.

#8 (tied) Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia is a tricky city on this list. There is no question that Eagles fans have suffered for a long, long time, particularly when one considers the talent they had at their disposal for many of those seasons. And yet, throughout the years, they have had the Sixers, the Phillies or the Flyers giving them titles or winning seasons. The Sixers have three titles, though the last was way back in 1983; the Flyers have won two (though they were back to back in 1974 and 75) and the Phillies have two (1980 and 2008). Actually, maybe Philadelphia has a case, particularly the beleaguered Eagles fans. But for that World Series in 2008, in fact, Philly has to look all the way back to 1983 for their last professional championship. The Eagles did win a championship back in 1960 (and was the only team to ever beat Vince Lombardi in a title game), on top of two others in 48 and 49, but that is a long time for a football team, and only the Detroit Lions have gone longer in the NFL while playing in the same city the entire stretch.

The Eagles go all the way back to 1933 as a franchise and thus have a well-established fan base that passes their passion, and misery, on from one generation to the next. And since the 60s, those generations have suffered in multivariate ways. For one, in the intervening 56 years, they have only been to two Super Bowls (1980 and 2004), losing to the Raiders and Patriots, respectively. After the 60 title, they actually went 18 years before returning to the playoffs, but were in the Super Bowl three years later. Since the late 80s, after a six-year hiatus from the playoffs, they have been almost perennial contenders, and have not missed the playoffs in four straight years since – though this season will again abut that streak, as they haven’t been in the postseason since a Wild Card loss to the Saints in 2013. What is toughest for the Eagles is all the near misses. They had a great team with Dick Vermeil, who took them all the way to the Super Bowl, only to get pounded by the Raiders. They made the playoffs the following year, losing a tight game to the hated rival Giants and then had their longest slump without a playoff berth since the 61-77 hiatus. Before 2001, the team made it to the playoffs often, but couldn’t win more than a game, and often couldn’t even manage that. And then they pulled a Cowboys of the early 80s feat, losing in the NFC Championship Game three straight years – to the Rams (in a tight one), the Bucs badly and then the Panthers in a sleeper (14-3). The next year, they finally got back to the big dance, only to lose a tight game to the burgeoning dynasty that was the New England Patriots (24-21). Since then, they have only gotten back to the Conference Title game once, losing to the Cardinals 32-25 in 2008. In the past 8 years, they have not won a playoff game in three attempts and failed to reach the playoffs in the other 5, with a sixth just completing.

What makes the Eagles a compelling case for most maligned fans is the fact that they have had talented teams for so long, but seem to find ways to miss out on the playoffs or lose early if they do get in. A few other teams in the city have helped soften the blow of their ineptitude, but not with enough frequency to truly ameloriate the sting of another late December, frost-bitten “oh well, maybe next year” incantation. Of course, Villanova has also provided two surprising National Championships over this stretch, but one just has an inkling the locals don’t count that as ample recompense for seven decades in wait. Philly has one and only one team that it will care about more than any of the rest: I-G-G-L-E-S.

#5 (tied) Toronto Maple Leafs

The entire city of Toronto has gone a couple of decades without a title, but that is nothing compared to their oldest franchise, the long maligned Maple Leafs, who last won a Stanley Cup in 1967, when the NHL had a mere six teams. Since then, they have not only failed to win a title, but failed to get back to a Stanley Cup Final at all. They have been close over the years, losing in conference finals in 1993, 1994, 1999 and 2002. But waiting for a Finals appearance for 49 years has got to smart, particularly when one considers that Canada has long considered itself the “Home of Hockey,” both the originator of the game and righteous practitioners of its purest form (please ignore any and all claims to the game “evolving.”) Two incidents do stand out in the recent history of the Maple Leafs torpor, the blown 3-goal lead in Game 7 against the Bruins three years ago (including 2 in the final minute before the coup de grace Game 7 OT winner) and 1993 Conference Final Game 7 against the LA Kings, when Wayne Gretzky high-sticked Leafs captain Doug Gilmour in the face (not called) before scoring the series winner moments later. The fact the Raptors have never won a title in their 21 years as an expansion franchise makes matters worse and even the once formidable Blue Jays have failed to earn a World Series title since 1993. The latter two have excited fans in recent years with improved performances, but Toronto can certainly stake a claim to being near or at the top of the overall list, at least over the past 23 years.

Turning back to the Maple Leafs, they have existed since 1917, and were quite successful early on, winning the very first Stanley Cup and 12 others, while losing another 9 Finals. However, since that ’67 title, the Maple Leafs have failed to even get back to a Final they had appeared in 22 times in their first 50 years. They do have the four division finals since 1993, but that is it, along with 26 appearances in the playoffs in total. However, the last decade has not been kind to the side, as they have only one playoff appearance in the past 11 seasons. One could argue the early success only makes the almost 50 years since that they have failed even harder to take, but that is only for the fans old enough to remember the “good ole days.” Toronto is one of only four NHL teams on the list and, given the success of most of the clubs around them, that only makes the pain that much more acute. Given the struggles of the other professional teams in Toronto over the period, it has been tough going for the entire city for quite some time. At least they too will avoid at least four years of Trump at the helm of their very slowly sinking ship!

#5 (tied) Phoenix Suns & #14 Arizona Cardinals

The Phoenix Suns were established in 1968, going 16-66 in their debut season. They then appeared in the playoffs only once in the next seven years, before a rookie led them to their first Finals in 75-76. They lost that series 4-2 to the Celtics then had to wait almost two decades to return, losing to the Bulls in 1993, with their standout star Charles Barkley overshadowed by MJ. Steve Nash signed in 2004 and led them to three straight division titles, but after reaching the conference finals in 2009, they have struggled mightily. Nonetheless, the side has the best winning percentage for any team that has never won an NBA Championship. That success has been fleeting in the past five losing seasons and they look bound for a sixth this year, but years of competing in the NBA means their fans have suffered in a big way for a long time. Based on my subjective assessment, the last half decade has been a little easier on the side, as fans expectations have been lowered dramatically, but it is also hard to be a fan of a franchise who has never finished on top.

The Arizona Cardinals have also gone most of their history without winning a title, a span stretching all the way back to 1947. Some of those years, they lived in Chicago (12 years from 1947) and spent more in St. Louis (60-87), having only alit in Arizona in 1988. That is only 29 years in the Southwest, though most of those were barren before an excellent side last season pushed within a game of the Super Bowl. The toughest loss of that period probably came in 2009, when they lost Super Bowl XLIII to the Pittsburgh Steelers when Santonio Holmes hauled in a six-yard touchdown catch with 35 second left, just able to get his feet down in bounds. The Cardinals had actually come back strong with 16 fourth quarter points to take the lead, but then Roethlisberger orchestrated a 78-yard drive capped by the Super Bowl MVP Holmes’ catch. This season has seen a dramatic drop-off in results and they missed out. As a franchise, they have their own claim to being among the longest mired in misery, but it is hard to see Chicago or St. Louis fans continuing to support the team currently residing many miles, and a time zone, away.

The third major team in Arizona is the National League’s Diamondbacks. They have only existed as a franchise since 1998 and actually have a World Series title to their name, won back in 2001, when they came back to beat the Yankees in a memorable Game 7 (with Mariano Rivera blowing a save in the 9th inning). Since then, they have made the playoffs three times, losing in the NLDS twice and getting swept in the NLCS by the Rockies in 2007. The past five years, they finished .500 twice and had losing records in the last three seasons. Given the short time they have spent in the league, the side doesn’t measure up to their basketball and baseball fans, but they have provided the only major title for the city since 1947. That is because the fourth professional team in Arizona, the NHL’s Arizona Coyotes, have failed to win a single title since their entry into the league in 1996-97. In fact, the side has yet to even make a Stanley Cup Final, though that might be appropriate for a hockey team playing in the Phoenix sun.

When putting them all together, one title ever makes them one of the most barren states in professional sports and provides a pretty strong case for the highest misery of any state’s fans. But that title in 2001 certainly trumps some of the others on the list and the combined years of the Cardinals in Chicago and St. Louis must certainly be counted against them as the most dire suffers, along with the fact the Arizona Wildcats basketball team are perennial competitors in the Big Dance most Marches.

#5 (tied) Cleveland Indians and #12 Cleveland Browns

You knew Cleveland was going to show up on this list, and pretty high. What has softened the blow of the longest suffering city in the country until 2016 was the come-from-behind Cleveland Cavaliers championship over the Warriors last June. LeBron James is among the most popular figures of any city in the U.S. and I’m certain plenty of Indians and Browns fans gasped a rather herculean sigh of relief when the Cavs completed their comeback. On the other hand, another team in your city winning a championship is not the same as one you can call your own. And so, one can certainly consider the long-suffering Browns and Indians fans as among the most brutalized in the history of sports. The Indians, of course, were just in the World Series this season, and seemed bound to win it before losing their 3-1 lead, with the last two of those games at home. We have to go all the way back to 1948 to find their last title, even with quality teams in the late 50s and early 60s, again in the 90s and now this year.

The Browns, on the other hand, have been a suffering franchise since their two straight trips to the AFC Championship in 86 and 87, and then again in 89, all to the Broncos. The most painful of those losses, of course, came with “the fumble” in the 1987 AFC Championship Game, when Earnest Biner gave the ball to the Elway-led Broncos with only 1:12 left in the game, a mere yard from knotting it up at 38. Or maybe it was the year before, when “the drive,” a 98-yard, five-minute Elway-led drive, pushed the game to overtime and a loss for the Browns. Having two of your most painful plays known by such simple and non-descript monikers certainly doesn’t help to ease the misery. Things actually started quite well for the Browns, who won the All-American Football Conference championship in their first four years as a franchise. Entering the NFL in 1950, they won their first year, then three more times, with the last coming in 1964, crushing the Colts 27-0. They then lost the NFL championship three of the next five years, and haven’t been back to the big game since. Since 1990, they have made the playoffs only twice (in 1994 and 2002), winning the Wild Card and losing both other playoff games. In the last 14 years, no playoff appearances and only one winning season have followed. That is pain on another level, only tempered by a few years where they didn’t even exist.

The two together come in second on my combined “city misery index,” though they have a rather strong claim to the top spot (see above).

#4 Sacramento Kings

Sacramento is not that far from San Francisco, a city that has had plenty of success with the Giants in recent years and the Niners from the 80s until the late 90s. However, Sacramento is its own city and the Kings are their only professional team in any of the major sports leagues (though they have some minor-league sides and an Australian Football League team – the Suns). Forgoing those lesser known sides, the Kings are the team of the California capital. And while they have had several stretches as playoff teams – four years after their last title, every year from 61 to 67 and 78 to 81, and then from 1996 to 2006 (where they only missed twice), they continue to fall short. Over that whole stretch, of 68 years, they have failed to make it back to the NBA Finals even once. Along the way, there have been a few heartbreaking moments, in 2002 when they lost a Game 7 to the Lakers in OT, but fewer as the years have gone by. The proximity to San Francisco certainly helps, and maybe that the band Cake calls the capital home, but Sacramento Kings fans are among the longest and most harshly suffering in America, only tempered by their mediocrity since the 2006-07 season, which has softened expectations considerably. Could that make the 33 wins they managed last season feel a modicum better than some others would with a whole lot more sans a championship? It is hard to say as someone who has never really rooted for the side, but it is clear that the Kings are in the conversation for most miserable in the world of North American sports.

#3 Minnesota Vikings

Four trips to the Super Bowl and nothing to show for it is a tough one to swallow, particularly when you had the best defensive nickname in history. Vikings fans are beset by a long history of heartbreaking losses, including Brett Favre throwing the most boneheaded interception in a Hall of Fame career that encompassed a record number of them; including a few for my beloved Jets as they piddled away another playoff berth (see Part 2). The Vikings entered the league in 1960 and thus it might be surprising to find them so high on the list. That is because they have made an impressive 28 playoff appearances, including those four Super Bowl losses and five more trips to the NFC Championship game. Oddly, they have moved around the NFC, from the NFL’s Western Conference Central Division to the NFC Central to their current home in the NFC North. They failed to make the playoffs in their first seven years in the league, but then had a sustained run of success, making the playoffs four straight years and 10 of the next 11. That stretch including all four of their Super Bowl losses, to the Kansas City Chiefs in 1969 (23-7), to the Dolphins in 1973 (24-7), to the Steelers the following year (16-6) and finally to the Raiders in 76 (32-14). That final loss is noteworthy as they finally got a second touchdown in their fourth appearance in the big game.

They have been to the playoffs 20 times in the past 39 years, with five trips to the NFC Championship Game but no return to the Super Bowl. They came within inches twice, first in 1998, when Gary Anderson missed his first field goal of the season (he had been 39 for 39) with 2:07 left in the game that would have iced the victory. Atlanta, given another chance, tied the game with a touchdown and booked their (only) Super Bowl appearance with a field goal in OT. The second chance was in 2010, when the aforementioned Favre interception led to a heartbreaking 31-28 OT loss to the Saints. They made it back to the playoffs last season, losing another heartbreaker when their kicker, Blair Walsh, missed a 27-yard field goal wide right with 26 seconds on the clock for a 10-9 loss. Throughout their long history of playoff failure, the common thread in losses has been the inability to score points, with a few outliers along the way, and that very problem (along with a host of costly injuries) has kept them out of the postseason this season, after a promising start (though injuries have also played a huge role). Making the playoffs every other year, on average, over the past two decades would make a number of fans on our list green with envy, to be fair, but not necessarily for supporters of the Purple People Eaters.

#2 St. Louis Blues

Has there even been a more aptly-named side in the history of sports? The tag, of course, relates to the city’s status as one of the best places to catch old-school blues and, more directly, a hit song by W.C. Handy, but the founders might just have been onto something. The Blues have made the playoffs an incredible 42 times over their 48-year history, including their first six in the league, but have yet to raise a banner to their rafters. They have made it to three Stanley Cup Finals, but those were, oddly, in their first three years in the league (1968-1970). They were blanked in all three, losing to the Canadiens twice and then the Bruins (you may know about this one without knowing you did). Incredibly, between 1967-8 and the cancelled 2004-5 season, the Blues never missed out on the playoffs for more than two seasons in a row, and only three times in total.

Starting in 2005-6, however, their fortunes turned and they were watching from the sidelines five of the next six. The team announced they were for sale in March 2011 and have been a much improved side ever since. They became the first team that season to reach 100 points and clinch a playoff appearance, winning their first playoff series since 2002 by eliminating the Sharks in five games. They were then swept by the eventual Stanley Cup winners LA. In 2012-13, they were again eliminated by the Kings, though this time after blowing a 2-0 series lead. The following season they hit the 100-point mark for the sixth time in their history and a club-record 52 wins, but finished with six straight losses and (again) blew a 2-0 lead (note a pattern here?) in the opening round of the playoffs, this time to the Chicago Blackhawks. They lost in the first round again in 2015, to the Minnesota Wild, before finally ending that streak last season by first beating the Blackhawks, then the favored Dallas Stars, before stumbling a step away from the Finals, losing to the Sharks 4-2. Not even getting back to the finals since 1970 is a tough stretch, for sure, matched by the Jets, though they at least have that Super Bowl to show for their years of struggle. The Blues have a good team now and could very well be the next team on our list to end their brutal slump.

#1 Atlanta Hawks and #19 (tied) Atlanta Falcons

The Atlanta Hawks have the second longest streak without a title among NBA teams, only surpassed by the Sacramento Kings. They have had some good teams over the years, but they have failed to find the finishing touch to get over the line. They do clock in at number one on my list for all those playoff appearances, with the huge caveat that they have resided in Atlanta since only ’68. Like Detroit, they do have some other teams in the city that can soften the blow of their relative failure, including the Atlanta Braves, though the great teams of the 90s failed to live up to their dominance in the National League, only able to win one World Series (in 1995, to go with earlier titles in 1957 and 1914). The Atlanta Falcons also have had considerable talent at times, but have failed to ever win a Super Bowl, having only appeared in one, way back in 1998. And then there are the Atlanta Thrashers, who were in the city between 1999 and 2011, only able to even make the playoffs once before bolting for Winnipeg. A problem with giving the Hawks the true top spot is that they played in Milwaukee (1951-55) and then St. Louis (56-68), before settling in Atlanta for the 1968-69 season. Before 2014-15, the Hawks had not even made the Conference Finals either in their stint in the Western Conference, or their much longer stretch in the East, since losing to the Lakers two seasons in a row (1969 and 70). That followed a long competitive stretch, where they won the title (1957-8) and then lost two Finals in the next three years. They have, however, been to the playoffs 10 years in a row, dating back to 2007-08, though they have only won six series over that stretch.

The Falcons were given a franchise by the NFL in 1966, compiling a record of 314-416-6 over the next 51 years. They have won division titles in 80, 98, 04, 10 and 12, making their only Super Bowl appearance in 1998 (losing to the Elway-led Broncos 34-19). They have made the playoffs 12 times in total, and had 31 seasons with a losing record. From 2008 to 2012, they made the playoffs four times in five years, but have since gone three years without a playoff berth, though they are in this year, and the favorite among some to make it to the Super Bowl. They also have the pain of Michael Vick’s years in the dog house (couldn’t help myself) and blowing a 17-point lead to the hated Niners in the 2013 NFC Championship game.

Overall, the Hawks are a team that has been competitive for much of its championship-less streak, like the Suns, except for a blip between 1999 and 2007 where they failed to make the playoffs at all, but just can’t seem to get back to the level they managed in the 50s and early 60s. The fact they have only been in their current city since 1968 and do give their fans excitement with playoff appearances most years, means their fans are suffering, but not like the Browns or Lions, for example. The Falcons have been suffering for some time and might just be a top tenner, in terms of empathy, but one arguably misses something that they have never experienced less, and one could argue college sports play a larger role in Georgia than do the professional sides. Nonetheless, Atlanta is a city that has quality teams that rarely, if ever, finish their season with that all-important victory that makes them #1.